Hello to supporters, family & friends!
Its easy to say
God is good when its all going how you plan, but we’re human so when things
aren't going our way our natural reaction is to say God isn’t good, he doesn't
care or even I don’t believe he could make this good. If we are being honest
even when we feel the later, as Christians we often choose to say the words God is good anyway because it is more
socially acceptable than admitting that we doubt. What I’m asking both myself
and you friends is how much would you give up and still have faith in the character
of God? What limits have we put on His sovereignty and what He can ask of us?
The last year I
have loved being a part of Gods ministry in New Zealand. Lifezone Church has
become one of the most significant places in my journey with Christ and this
community has become my family. Nothing makes me happier than serving God
alongside these believers watching God step in and do the impossible again and
again. I have been very involved in a worship leading role at the church for
the last year and a half both on Sunday mornings and with Highlife Youth. I had
also been on worship teams for several years preceding my time in New Zealand on
top of having been very involved in musical theatre during Highschool. This
will be no surprise to those of you that know me. Singing has always been a
blessing from God and is a part of who I am from the time I was three peaking
over a too tall pulpit to sing Jesus
loves me to the 20 year old who spent last year studying at Pathways Bible
College’s School of Worship Leading. Singing has always been a big part of my
identity.
The vocal pain
started a year ago. At first it was just a little scratchiness and discomfort.
I thought this was due to climate change and sickness, but instead of getting
better it got worse. I had a nagging feeling that it was more than a cold, but
its no secret that I hate going to the doctors. Its called latrophobia. Look it
up. It’s a thing. ;) In January it started getting hard to ignore. My vocal
range had almost disappeared and humming, even talking hurt. After a couple
pushes from some people who love me too much to care about offending me, I
finally made it to the doctors.
I woke up today knowing
what was coming. I knew without knowing what was going to be said in that doctors
office. Somehow despite the anticipation of bad news I had peace. I went to
this morning’s staff meeting as I usually
do on Wednesdays. But not typical to a standard staff meeting was the acute presence
of God I felt. It was like from the moment we prayed to open the meeting God
was flooding me with revelations; a friend I needed to help, a woman I needed
to pray for and a general sense that I was being held in the arms of an
almighty God and I wanted to be as close as possible to this God. I even had
the sense that God wanted me to get off my butt and finally do something he had
been calling me to for a long time.
All this happened
while I probably should have been paying attention to what was happening in
staff meeting (Sorry Steve…). All the while I knew what was coming; a doctors appointment
where I was going to hear something I didn't want to hear. An hour before I was
supposed to leave for my appointment I was hit with fierce anxiety. Fear and
lies that were not of God. Yet again the Spirit was there talking to me. I went
to get in a good time of personal worship before I left.
The doctor I went to
see I have seen once before when he had been an answer to prayer being the only
doctor in Tauranga I could find to do my visa medical checks so I could stay in
New Zealand. Again this doctor became the answer to a prayer.
After explaining what my symptoms were he looked at me gravely,
understanding the weight of what he was about to tell a girl who loved to sing
more than almost anything else in the world. “You have extensive vocal damage”,
he said. “You will need to go on total vocal rest and from what I can tell probably
for at least 12 months this will include decreased talking.” I had known this
was coming. He referred me to a ENT surgeon saying that was my best option to
look into what further treatment would be best.
Even though none of this was a surprise I held back my
tears. Words spoken out loud give weight to reality somehow. I sat trying to
respond as well as I knew how to the information the doctor was giving me. Then
he said something that surprised me. He said, “I am a singer and experienced
something similar 25 years ago.” Somehow it helped to know that the person whose
words had just confirmed my worst fears understood what it meant for me as a
singer and worship leader. Right before I left his office he said to me, “Rachel,
God is talking you through this valley, but you will come through it with a
transformed relationship with God. I’m telling you that you can’t sing or talk
much, but I’m not telling you that you can’t go to that secret place with God
and adore him with all your heart.”
As I drove home I
let go of some of the tears I had held in earlier. I anticipated telling Pastor
Steve that I couldn't sing. I thought about all the commitments that I would
give up. Even so, I wasn't falling apart. I felt like even though everything in
this world told me that something was wrong, that my world should be upside down
it wasn't. I realized what I was feeling was not so much sadness as it was
expectation. It took me aback. That wasn't right! Singing was me right? It was
who I was. Who was I if I wasn't the worship leader? Who was I if I wasn't the
girl who could sing? It had always been that way and I never imagined it could
change.
I think this was
the moment I discovered something God had been doing all along. While I was
busy doing ministry he was busy changing my life. Somehow through all the
challenges, opportunity’s, personal times with God, times spent in community
and basically moments of faith big and small, my identity shifted. My identity
was in someone much greater and someone unchanging that could never be taken
away from me. My identity was in Christ. I wasn't a singer any more, I was a
worshipper and you don’t have to sing to be that.
As I realized this
God started to flood me once again with glimpses of his plan for me, those
things his spirit had revealed earlier that I needed to act on. That thing God
had been bugging me to do? Improve on guitar so I could play on the team. I didn't
have the capacity for it when I was worship leading so often, but now I do. And
even more than that I have this feeling, like in order for me to be the
worshipper I dream of being I have to walk through this. I have to give up that
thing I said I’d never give up so I have room in my hands for something better.
I don’t care so much about being a singer any more. Anyone can do that, but to
be a worshipper, a person who comes before God with clean hands and a pure
heart, who doesn't limit what God can ask of them, a person who desires intimacy with the living God
above all else and who knows God is good
when the world is upside down, that’s what I want to be my identity. That’s what
I want to be known for and if God is making me into that person by this than I can
say joyfully God is good.
Thank you so much
for reading this friends! I will try and keep you all updated on the details of
my journey through this. My prayer request from todays events is simply this.
Pray that I would become the worshipper he wants me to be. I know hard stuff is
still coming up. I know it won’t get easier and it’s a journey, but I want to
walk through this. If this is what it takes to know God better then I’m in. Its
so worth it.
