Is God good?

Hello to supporters, family & friends!

     Its easy to say God is good when its all going how you plan, but we’re human so when things aren't going our way our natural reaction is to say God isn’t good, he doesn't care or even I don’t believe he could make this good. If we are being honest even when we feel the later, as Christians we often choose to say the words God is good anyway because it is more socially acceptable than admitting that we doubt. What I’m asking both myself and you friends is how much would you give up and still have faith in the character of God? What limits have we put on His sovereignty and what He can ask of us?

     The last year I have loved being a part of Gods ministry in New Zealand. Lifezone Church has become one of the most significant places in my journey with Christ and this community has become my family. Nothing makes me happier than serving God alongside these believers watching God step in and do the impossible again and again. I have been very involved in a worship leading role at the church for the last year and a half both on Sunday mornings and with Highlife Youth. I had also been on worship teams for several years preceding my time in New Zealand on top of having been very involved in musical theatre during Highschool. This will be no surprise to those of you that know me. Singing has always been a blessing from God and is a part of who I am from the time I was three peaking over a too tall pulpit to sing Jesus loves me to the 20 year old who spent last year studying at Pathways Bible College’s School of Worship Leading. Singing has always been a big part of my identity.

      The vocal pain started a year ago. At first it was just a little scratchiness and discomfort. I thought this was due to climate change and sickness, but instead of getting better it got worse. I had a nagging feeling that it was more than a cold, but its no secret that I hate going to the doctors. Its called latrophobia. Look it up. It’s a thing. ;) In January it started getting hard to ignore. My vocal range had almost disappeared and humming, even talking hurt. After a couple pushes from some people who love me too much to care about offending me, I finally made it to the doctors.

   I woke up today knowing what was coming. I knew without knowing what was going to be said in that doctors office. Somehow despite the anticipation of bad news I had peace. I went to this morning’s staff meeting  as I usually do on Wednesdays. But not typical to a standard staff meeting was the acute presence of God I felt. It was like from the moment we prayed to open the meeting God was flooding me with revelations; a friend I needed to help, a woman I needed to pray for and a general sense that I was being held in the arms of an almighty God and I wanted to be as close as possible to this God. I even had the sense that God wanted me to get off my butt and finally do something he had been calling me to for a long time.

    All this happened while I probably should have been paying attention to what was happening in staff meeting (Sorry Steve…). All the while I knew what was coming; a doctors appointment where I was going to hear something I didn't want to hear. An hour before I was supposed to leave for my appointment I was hit with fierce anxiety. Fear and lies that were not of God. Yet again the Spirit was there talking to me. I went to get in a good time of personal worship before I left.

    The doctor I went to see I have seen once before when he had been an answer to prayer being the only doctor in Tauranga I could find to do my visa medical checks so I could stay in New Zealand. Again this doctor became the answer to a prayer.

After explaining what my symptoms were he looked at me gravely, understanding the weight of what he was about to tell a girl who loved to sing more than almost anything else in the world. “You have extensive vocal damage”, he said. “You will need to go on total vocal rest and from what I can tell probably for at least 12 months this will include decreased talking.” I had known this was coming. He referred me to a ENT surgeon saying that was my best option to look into what further treatment would be best.

Even though none of this was a surprise I held back my tears. Words spoken out loud give weight to reality somehow. I sat trying to respond as well as I knew how to the information the doctor was giving me. Then he said something that surprised me. He said, “I am a singer and experienced something similar 25 years ago.” Somehow it helped to know that the person whose words had just confirmed my worst fears understood what it meant for me as a singer and worship leader. Right before I left his office he said to me, “Rachel, God is talking you through this valley, but you will come through it with a transformed relationship with God. I’m telling you that you can’t sing or talk much, but I’m not telling you that you can’t go to that secret place with God and adore him with all your heart.” 

     As I drove home I let go of some of the tears I had held in earlier. I anticipated telling Pastor Steve that I couldn't sing. I thought about all the commitments that I would give up. Even so, I wasn't falling apart. I felt like even though everything in this world told me that something was wrong, that my world should be upside down it wasn't. I realized what I was feeling was not so much sadness as it was expectation. It took me aback. That wasn't right! Singing was me right? It was who I was. Who was I if I wasn't the worship leader? Who was I if I wasn't the girl who could sing? It had always been that way and I never imagined it could change.

    I think this was the moment I discovered something God had been doing all along. While I was busy doing ministry he was busy changing my life. Somehow through all the challenges, opportunity’s, personal times with God, times spent in community and basically moments of faith big and small, my identity shifted. My identity was in someone much greater and someone unchanging that could never be taken away from me. My identity was in Christ. I wasn't a singer any more, I was a worshipper and you don’t have to sing to be that.

    As I realized this God started to flood me once again with glimpses of his plan for me, those things his spirit had revealed earlier that I needed to act on. That thing God had been bugging me to do? Improve on guitar so I could play on the team. I didn't have the capacity for it when I was worship leading so often, but now I do. And even more than that I have this feeling, like in order for me to be the worshipper I dream of being I have to walk through this. I have to give up that thing I said I’d never give up so I have room in my hands for something better. I don’t care so much about being a singer any more. Anyone can do that, but to be a worshipper, a person who comes before God with clean hands and a pure heart, who doesn't limit what God can ask of them,  a person who desires intimacy with the living God above all else and who knows God is good when the world is upside down, that’s what I want to be my identity. That’s what I want to be known for and if God is making me into that person by this than I can say joyfully God is good.

   Thank you so much for reading this friends! I will try and keep you all updated on the details of my journey through this. My prayer request from todays events is simply this. Pray that I would become the worshipper he wants me to be. I know hard stuff is still coming up. I know it won’t get easier and it’s a journey, but I want to walk through this. If this is what it takes to know God better then I’m in. Its so worth it.